October (Hell Month)

Everytime I think of October,  the first thing that enters my mind is Hide and Seek. It was held at a house in the hills at night. Outside the house in an open paddock we'd all line up to start.  Children of all ages, naked and afraid.  Adults,  one of them with a rifle,  ready, and excited to follow.  

We were given a headstart to run off into the woods.  The older children would help the younger ones. It wasn't easy running with bare feet,  but we ran into the trees as fast as we could. 

"I don't want to get caught. I hate this game, it hurts so much." 3 year old says.

Then when the time was right, they would chase us. They always gave us all a good head start.  They enjoyed the seeking part, it got them excited. They enjoyed the game. They'd run yelling.."I'm going to get you,  then you'll be mine".

It felt like a thousand years waiting for someone to find us.  We hid the best we could.  "It was so scary,  sitting there trying to be so still and quiet.  Trying not to breathe.

Then someone found us, a man, hot and sweaty,  but excited from the hunt. 

It hurt so much to be laying on the ground, nothing underneath us and that man on top of us.

They were always so excited after spending so much time searching for us, knowing what their prize would be. 

"I was young, but I knew what it would be".

I would lay there and look up at the stars,  just waiting for it to end. "

"I hate them so much. They are selfish, they didn't care for us or how we may feel. It was all about their conquest and what they had achieved. "

"It hurt so much.  I didn't cry. They don't like it if you cry.  I just lay there looking at the stars. "

"I hate the stars,  they just stay there and watch, with nothing to do. Why didn't they save us? "

" it hurt so much,  we were so alone"

Afterwards  we were wrapped up and taken home.  Broken, numb, lost. 

Mr White had said so!

I remember standing in the school yard,  I was only 5 years old.  The other children were playing.  But I couldn't.  I could barely move.  I was in shock. I felt so strange,  I didn't know what to do.  I hurt, a lot.  My vagina felt swollen and so sore.  That whole area felt swollen and sore.  It felt hard to walk.  I just stood still,  really not knowing what to do.  There were no tears,  I couldn't cry. What had happened to me, and why. All the other children seemed oblivious, playing and laughing.  I felt I was going to die. I remember I'd come from another part of the school, where the older kids were allowed.. 

What do I do, where do I go. The swelling and pain made me stand with my legs apart.  The world seemed a different place,  it was like time stood still. I must have made it back to class,  Mrs Edward's class I think.  It was a separate building from the others.  I dont remember the rest of the day.  I just remember feeling the shock and a lump in my throat like I wanted to cry but couldn't.  I couldn't let anyone know.  Mr White had said so. 

It Changed Us Forever

I remember at 4 years old our neighbor down the street started to force me to perform oral sex on him.  I remember how small I felt and how huge and tall he was(only an average size man in reality but to a 4 year old he seemed a giant). His penis seemed enormous,  it filled my whole mouth.  I could barely breathe,  it felt like I was choking.  It was pushed in there so hard.  My jaw felt stretched to its limit.  I felt terrified.  I thought he was going to choke me to death with this thing.  I wanted to cry. I could feel tears start to fill my eyes. But all I could focus on was this huge round mass inside my mouth.  Pressing on my tongue, the roof and sides of my mouth.  Stretching my jaw.  It was horrible, absolutely horrible . Chocking for air,  desperate for a free breath, desperately wanting it out of me.  It seemed to last forever.  I don't remember the end,  just the horror of it happening.  

From 4 years old I started to gain weight.  I became quite a chubby child.  My parents worked hard to try to get me to lose the weigh, but it was too late.  The damage was done. Our mouth had been defiled.  We had to eat to try to get rid of the toxic memory.  The feeling.  Food tasted nice.  But it could never stay in our mouth long.  Quickly eaten then swallowed.  To this day it is still the same,  we can't stand things in our mouth to long.  We eat fast.  Don't savour the flavour,  often we don't taste it at all. Can't stand chewing gum or hard lollies,  they must leave our mouth quickly.  Even holding things in our mouth, like a piece of paper or fabric makes us gag.

And now when things get too overwhelming, we binge eat too make the pain go away.  

Im not saying it all started from this one incident, but I am saying it changed us forever.