It never ends!

The greatest tragedy of this life is that it never ends. They have control, they have the means to 'own' you for years and years after you seem free. You fight to get away, it takes all you have in you. You fight yourself, you fight the others inside. You doubt your right to be free. You doubt that you deserve a life better than you have now, but still you fight. Parts of you feel the freedom, the wind in your hair, the sun on your face, but for others in the system it takes merely a word, a phrase, a look, a touch, and you have no control of your life again. They have total power and you are at their mercy. You are their robot again, you must do their bidding. You hate every minute of it but you are programmed to obey. You cannot stand up for yourself, you have no rights, they have total control and you must submit. If they want sex, you are theirs. No fight, no resistance, just theirs. For years after you should be free they still have you. They hold you in their power and strangely you know nothing because it is only a part of you that knows the truth. Only a part that remembers what is happening. That is how they want it, so they can continue with their control of your life. They want you to keep the secrets, they want you to not be able to fight back. You are theirs and there is nothing you can do to escape. Their actions are lost in the fog of dissociation and programming. You are programmed to never tell and if you do the punishment will be severe. This is your life, this is what you were made for ....right? They created you for this. You have no rights, you are merely their puppet there to serve their needs and desires. They want you to  believe this, they want you to believe you have no importance as an individual except to serve them. But they lied, and because they are so good at it all you cant be free. You fight for it but it doesn't happen. They have a hidden hook inside you that never lets you get away. They will Rape you and molest you until they have had their fill and you will submit because that is what they made you to do. There is no freedom, no escape, only endless torture and abuse, and at the end of it all you must thank them for what they are doing to you. You must be appreciative of what they have given you. A broken life, a soul torn into a thousand pieces. I just don't believe there is a way out, they own you, they own the very part of what makes you you, and at any time they will call you back. If by some chance distance brings you peace, the scares and pain stay with you a lifetime. You are never free. I want you to be free, I want to be free, but I feel their pull every day. Those quiet unspoken programs that determine so much of what we do. They set them up to have control.....they got it, and we merely puppets in their hands. I hate this life, it feels empty. I search for meaning and purpose and only find, control and abuse. I cannot say there has been anyone as a child who I felt safe with. No one who I felt I could turn to. Nothing much has changed. I have but a few good friends on who I depend, but they too fight for every day. I live so that my children may live, but I find myself giving up on even that. They are older now and do not need me. Most days they do not even want me. Then why am I here? Each day is filled with nightmares of lives I have already lived. No one seems to know the real way to help. I teach my Therapist how to deal with us, he has never done this before, so few have. Is there really a way out, or is my life merely the end result of their experiments and control. Am I still merely their robot, waiting dormant to be called into action. Will one move change who I am forever. I live with the constant knowledge that those inside me are not as I am. They can do so much evil and harm, yet they live restrained, we must be good, but will it only take one slip and it will turn inside out? I don't trust us, I don't trust who we are and what we can do, I don't trust that we will always be the people I want us to be. I feel helpless and hopeless, yet I keep going.....why? Is that too a program? I long to feel even if it is wrong. This being numb is akin to death. Don't feel too much or love too much, or want too much, it will be taken from you. Just live a life in the middle, safe and calm and not standing out. Dont let them see you and you might be free. But it doesn't work, because they are in you, from miles away they are in you, and you will never be free.