He hates me!

His finger pressed into the front of my neck. Pushing down on my wind pipe.  He used enough force to make it hard for me to breathe. I could barely lift my chest, barely get the air in. It is such a struggle. My heart is beating so fast. I want to be sick.
He didn't want me to breathe, he didn't want me to have life. I was his to do with as he wanted, not a person. My stomach felt sore, and sick. He was having sex with me at the same time. I am 4 years old. He hates me, he says it over and over again, as he thrusts inside me. He wishes I would die.
 I don't want to be here. Don't hurt me, I try to look away. This is my life.

The choking.

I remember being about 4 or 5, lying in my bed at home. My father sitting on the side of the bed next to me. He had his hand on my neck. He was pushing down slowly choking me. I could feel my heart beat racing, it getting harder and harder to breathe. The body started to get a strange feeling about it, a tingling, almost like pins and needles. Panic set in. Fear. I couldn't breathe. I remember looking in his eyes. He said "I hate you, I hate you."  My limbs were heavy, I couldn't lift them. Things started to go dark, I couldn't see any more. I passed out. He stopped.

A Quick Flash of Truth.

A quick flash of Truth. We were lying naked on a metal table with our arms and legs tied at each corner, and someone (not sure if it was an insider or outsider) said "can't the Dr get someone else?"

I hate my life!

How can this life be real if it doesn't hurt?

We just want to reenact what happend to us again and again. We want to feel the pain of the slap across the face. We  want it to hit so hard it sends our jaw flying. Not just once but many times. We want them to call us names, like we are worthless and a whore. We want them to put us down and make us feel like dirt. We want it to hurt so bad. We want them to have violent brutal hard sex with us, until it leaves us lying curled up in pain, crying in the corner. We want it to hurt and to feel shame, and to know this is where we are meant to be. Just beat us and make us feel better. Just hit us and make us feel right. This is the only life we know and we need it so bad. It needs to hurt or we are just not really alive. We cant feel anything. How can this life be real if it doesnt hurt, if there isnt't blood and pain. We want to bleed from inside like it used to, because he was to big and hard. We want to make it hurt and shame ourselves so we can feel good and know that it is right. We want to know that when we wake in the morning it will hurt and we will have a reminder of just how bad and evil we really are. We want to go and hide and take all our pain and hurt. We want it to go away but we just dont know how.

The Father

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DgD-ldxbFwA&feature=youtu.be

This is part of our story. This is the first video we have made on our own..
From the Many.

Knives

The other night we were having a great time with Diamonds, (our girlfriend, also an abuse survivor) when one of our insiders shared a memory they had from when we were younger. It involves a young man named Richard. He was in his early teens when we knew him and our body was between the ages of 7 to 12. Richard had hurt us before and it seemed a common thing for him to do. This time we remember him chasing after us with knives in his hands. Kitchen knives I think. He chased us up the hall of his house while we were screaming. When he caught up to us he pinned us down, and inserted the knives internally. Alfterwards his mother helped to stop the bleeding and told us never to tell. It answers one question at least. She knew it was going on. At other times he put us in the space in the ceiling until our mum would come and pick us up.

Its horriffic, it breaks us to think of this happening to us and no one coming to our help. We have an insider call Richard. He takes after this Richard in many ways. He is a darker insider. No wonder we often have a desire to cut our genital region. Days like today, when I am feeling grief with my friend, I just wish it would all go away. But I know it wont, it will only get worse.

Self Harm

A friend of mine just put this up on their facebook. I really like it. It expresses well some of the feelings when it comes to self harm. The need to feel bad, to hurt, to make ourselves feel like 'they' used to make us feel. We deserve it and even if we partly feel that we dont, deep down we do and we need it to feel right. We havent felt the need to self harm for a few days now, its been really nice. We havent felt very multiple either, too busy doing outside world stuff. But today things changed. A friend is going through a really hard patch today and we had a bit of a situation. Anyway it has left her in a bad way and made us feel very vulnerable.  Sometimes it seems the only way to make it go away is to cut it out. We hate ourselves for being weak and injured and that what is inside us has so much power. Some days I just want to beat myself senseless, to make these feelings of worthlessness go away.

Its Ok now, we want to die!!

The desire to cut is so strong. The need for pain, the need to see blood, the need for others to know that it hurts, that we are dying inside, . The desperate need for someone, anyone, to see beyond the carefully mastered and manufactured smile. Someone to sit down and say, " I can see you are hurting. Please, tell me your story."
 We want to find some stranger to have sex with, and if it all turns bad, then good, because we deserve that. We deserve for him to beat the crap out of us. It will feel better that way. We want him to slap us across the face, to humiliate us, to take away our dignity. Some how that seems right. I want to scream and rip at my skin. I want to cut myself to pieces, slash my genitals so they too hurt as we need them to. The shame and the pain seem the only way out. Without it we feel lost.

 

When we were young, one of our abusers, threatened to shoot us if we told. This is the view we had as he said it.
Back then we were too scared to tell.
Its OK now,
We want to die.