Wednesday, January 29, 2014
College
Our first day/night at college. Not any easy day." I want to die I want to die" Those are the words being spoken non stop from inside. I want to cut my skin open and feel the release. I want to die. We are broken in a world of people who have no idea what we live through every day, let alone our past. I hate them, I hate them for having no secrets, no past to fight through. No death hiding in their soul. I hate that as we sit there, they are not all wanting to die as I am. I hate that they will never know us or the pain we have been through and fight through every day. I hate them. I just want to cut us open and feel the pain. I just want to show the depths of our hurt. To show them our pain. I want to stab our arm right through to the bone, feel the knife grinding on the bone. I just want to die, and not have these people near me. I hate them, i just want to cry and cut, my life should be over, we don't want this any more. It should be over. I hate it, I hate me and us. I want us to be gone so that we never have to face another person again and be fragile and broken. We are broken, broken into a million pieces, we deserve to die for what we have done. What they made us do. We have no life but what they made for us. Are we merely their puppets? I hate that. I hate my life. It is too hard to live. I just don't want to any more, but we are told we have to. Even death is not in our control. I just want to cut.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
The Railway man
We just came from seeing the movie The Railway Man. It is an incredibly powerful movie, the details of which I will not go into now. If you have the chance I recommend it highly. It is basically about the horrors of war, its affects and forgiveness. It is based on true life. Having come from an abuse back ground it was very powerful. It was definitely triggering but we managed to do our best to keep that at bay.
Forgiveness, such an interesting concept and spoken of so much.
To those of us living under the weight of child abuse and programming, it is something we wrestle with. I personally am not ready to forgive I don't know that i ever will be, maybe others inside are, I don't think so though.
The trouble is that it is not over for us, and never will be. We are in hiding now. We cannot let our father even speak to us and message us. He has set off programming codes already with what little contact we have had with him over the last 6 months. We cannot afford to hear his voice, or read something he has written.
He Physically, emotionally and sexually abused us from birth to the age of ten, and then again in adulthood when we thought we could trust him. If he were in any way repentant or regretful for what he had done there may be some hope, but he has no remorse. For the torture, the hitting, choking, programming, for the rapes, for selling us, sharing us, profiting from our innocence. For never once caring for us and protecting us. He happily handed us over to all of this. NO amount of forgiveness whether it is for our benefit or for his, will change the fact that we live as many now. And every day we search desperately for hope in a world that only offers us torment. Mankind can be an evil race. What we will do to the weak and unprotected of our kind, for no other reason than we can, is beyond belief. I fear for my children's future.
Forgiveness, such an interesting concept and spoken of so much.
To those of us living under the weight of child abuse and programming, it is something we wrestle with. I personally am not ready to forgive I don't know that i ever will be, maybe others inside are, I don't think so though.
The trouble is that it is not over for us, and never will be. We are in hiding now. We cannot let our father even speak to us and message us. He has set off programming codes already with what little contact we have had with him over the last 6 months. We cannot afford to hear his voice, or read something he has written.
He Physically, emotionally and sexually abused us from birth to the age of ten, and then again in adulthood when we thought we could trust him. If he were in any way repentant or regretful for what he had done there may be some hope, but he has no remorse. For the torture, the hitting, choking, programming, for the rapes, for selling us, sharing us, profiting from our innocence. For never once caring for us and protecting us. He happily handed us over to all of this. NO amount of forgiveness whether it is for our benefit or for his, will change the fact that we live as many now. And every day we search desperately for hope in a world that only offers us torment. Mankind can be an evil race. What we will do to the weak and unprotected of our kind, for no other reason than we can, is beyond belief. I fear for my children's future.
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