Want To Go Back

As we get closer to Easter the flashbacks are increasing. We are feeling unsettled and depressed. We can't seem to get ourselves out of it. Some want to go back into the abuse. We want to feel the pain, the beating, they want it to hurt, we want to be hurt. We want to be ripped apart. They have even made plans of how to do it. Who to talk to. Not our old Handler, someone harder someone who will show no mercy. Just take us away so we don't have to be here anymore. Just take us to where we belong. Make it hurt until the pain goes away. I want to feel, i'm tired of being numb. JUST MAKE IT HURT!

Too much Red

This is a continuation of Melanie's Story, it is graphic, please take care reading.

In the cage, at Myponga beach. It was Easter. Michelle, was shot right there in front of us. Some say it was to teach us a lesson, to show us they had control. Her blood ran across the cement floor, getting closer and closer to the corner where we huddled as close to the bars as we could. Wishing we could die just to get away from all this. Then a man come, he dragged us by the legs through all the blood, it was all over us, there was red everywhere. As we got closer, and he had control, he told us to spread our legs. He kept yelling, "spread your legs, spread your legs". He kept pushing our right leg open. The he said, "I have to get it in there, deep in there". He took part of Michelle that was lying on the floor, and forced it into our vagina. He forced it in deep.
There was Red everywhere, and she died. She was my friend.

In memory of Michelle Mitchell..

Complacency program.

I remember being often in charge of younger children. Most of the others my age had moved on, but we were left with the group of children younger than us, our sisters age..about 3/4 years younger than us. We were there to help with them and help take care of them while the men did their stuff. The younger children trusted us more than the men so it was easier to make us do it. We knew what was happening but we never did anything to stop it. Now we know why.

We were subject to different levels of mind control and programming. They used this to get us to do was they wanted. Once programmed, we were merely robots under their control. The Complacency Program is one used for children like us. It is designed for those who will be helping with the children. We know what will be happening to them and under normal circumstances there would be a level of wanting to do something to stop it. With the complacency program, when our thoughts of revenge or attack of perpetrators gets to a certain level, the program kicks in. Over us comes this sense that all is fine, we forget that which is going on front of our eyes, and we see it as mildly important. We don't see the need to take action, for no real reason other than we become complacent. If we try to resist this program, we feel ill, dizzy , confused and are finally thrust into sleep, so we can awaken with the belief that every thing is fine and we have nothing to worry about. It is a lie, and a cover up, but a brilliant one from their standpoint. From ours it is debilitating, disabling and heartbreaking. I have always wondered why we never seemed to fight too hard if an issue arose and  why we would cave in so easily instead of fight. Why, when faced with a known perpetrator, we, without thought or intent, switch to a compliant and friendly person. I always believed that in the end we would go crazy and lose it at them, and that is why we held such tight control over everyone in our system. But now I know its not. We are left feeling helpless and unable to protect those we love most. They have programmed us into helplessness, and we despise it.

This is not my life, but i have to live it.