Father's Day. ...i Don't Want It To Come.

Father's day is only a few days away, and things have been getting very messy inside. Within Ritual abuse circles it is very common to have what they call breeders. Girls who they get pregnant so the baby can be used, abused or killed within the group. These babies are unregistered and therefore do not exist in society. They are merely possessions, toys, tools. If they are kept alive they can be used to control the mothers behavior. If you don't obey we will hurt the baby. Many of these pregnancies never make it to full term. Sacrifices are very common. Especially at specific times of the year. I have known for some time that we were used in this manner. So far the pregnancies we have had, that i have been told about, have been caused by our abusers. Seems logical really. But this week i learnt that one of our pregnancies, was fathered by one of our peers. A man we have known most of our life and still know to this day. We had a son. No one has told me yet what happened to our boy, I can only imagine at this stage and it doesn't end well. While we no longer talk to this old friend, we know we could contact him at any time. Somehow i find this haunting. There is a connection between us now forever, and i don't know how to deal with it. With fathers day only days away, it is hard not to think of him as my baby's father and what that all means. We were only children forced to live a life we should never have known. How many babies we conceived for the group i don't as yet know, but the numbers are growing and the seriousness of the situation is hitting harder and deeper. Sometimes i am scared to know the truth. Sometimes it breaks me. At the moment i feel stilled, not knowing what to do or think from here. This is not an easy time.