My little one.

The Pain, there is so much pain. It's not even tangible. We want to cut ourselves open, down so deep to feel the blood leak out, we want it to hurt in our skin like we deserve and how it feels inside. It will never be close to the pain we feel inside.
We lost our second baby is the group. It died in our stomach at 5months gestation. It was the first one we had got to feel kick and to know it was really there. We had to give birth to it. unable to breathe or survive.
We knew the baby was coming because we started bleeding. The blood just kept coming. There was so much blood and it wouldn't stop. We knew it meant the baby was going to come out. . We knew we would be in trouble.
Our small little baby, only 5 months gestation, not able to survive. we don't even know what sex it was. We think maybe it was a boy.
 There was no compassion or care towards us, and what we were going through. Only contempt and the feeling we had failed as we hadn't been able to keep the baby alive. . I know in my brain things like this happen all the time, and there is nothing you can do to stop it. But we were made to feel like failures. We had let people down and we were bad.
This baby was intended for the group, to be used how they wanted, and as a breeder we were supposed to provide for them a healthy child. But we did not. That woman, that horrible blonde haired, middle aged, woman. I think her name was Margaret. She was there to supervise us as they took the baby out. She had no compassion at all.  She was as hard as stone, and angry as if we had ruined her day.
I remember lying on a table, the baby had been taken, we were not allowed to see it or hold it, there was blood everywhere. A girl, thin, with dark hair, about my age, was ordered to "get her cleaned up'"  As in referring to us. I could see the girl was scared, and too afraid to not do as she was told. She knew the consequences for not submitting without question. She quietly and quickly went about wiping us down and cleaning up the blood.
The pain, they took our baby away. We were shattered for ages, unable to process what had happened and the cruelty and callous nature of those around us. We wanted so desperately to have been able to hold the baby , just have the baby. That little one we have for the shortest time given life too. Even now, all these years on, the pain is so great inside, it doesn't leave . We long to hold that tiny tiny baby in our arms. To kiss his tiny head and say I love you and I am your mummy. My little one.