Trying to get out!

Still struggling with these flashbacks and possible programming. Cant seem to get out of my head and into the world around me. Terribly dissociated. So many inside seem to want to tell their story all at once and I am having a hard time getting through to them that we need to slow every thing down. It is like I am much closer to them now and can hear them better but cant seem to distance myself from them any more. It takes so much energy just to get through the day.  I am worried.

TW graphic

She is so small, he holds down her body, her legs he forces apart. She is naked and looking down at this man between her legs. He is licking her down there. She says to herself, "its dirty don't lick down there", but he keeps going. It makes her sick, she wants to vomit. She feels so sick and scared.Why does he touch her that way? What has she done? He keeps licking, it feels gross. So private. Don't touch me. So dirty. Why am I naked? I can see the bare skin of my belly. I want to get away, I want him to stop. Why wont he stop. His head is so close to me, it is almost on my stomach, get it away.I can feel his lips on me. He keeps licking me, it is going in deep. I want it to stop. He says I taste nice. I hate it.

Not my mothers keeper!

She was made a mockery of. They wanted to shame her, to break not only her body, but her spirit and her will. She was blindfolded, raped, beaten, tied naked to a 'tree'. They laughed as they repeatedly forced large wooden poles into her anus and vagina. They wanted to break her. They wanted her to learn the greatest lesson of all.....she had no control. She was at their mercy, but they had none. They shamed her. They laughed at her pain. She was not allowed to move or call out, she had to take it, still and silent. And all because she didn't please her mother. All because she didn't 'satisfy' her mother on the one day set aside for mothers. She was selfish they said. It was not about her, it was about the mother's needs, not her own. "You were not taught to be this way, we have made you know better, you selfish little pig." "Now you will pay" "You deserve to die"

She was only 15.

My Immortal

This song again and again sings so many of the words we just need to say. The battle. You are here but gone, we are alone but you haunt us. Its never over. It seems the song of our life. There's just too much that time cannot erase.

Evanescence – My Immortal Lyrics

 

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I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
You still have all of me, me, me

 

 

Send "My Immortal" Ringtone to your Cell

Songwriters: LEE, AMY / MOODY, BEN / HODGES, DAVID

My Immortal lyrics © Chrysalis One Music


Lyrics term of use

Six Days Visiting Hell

After 6 days of flashbacks and horror. Anxiety, depression, fear and helplessness I return to the surface. Somehow I need the scars to show I was there. It needs to hurt so deep.

Mothers Day programming.

I hate programming. Today is mothers day and it is not easy. We broke contact with our mother a few weeks ago, so were expecting a bit of a rough mothers day but nothing like this. I didn't realize how many programs were in place for this day. Some from inside have shown me a few and what we 'need' to do today. Even if we wanted to do it we cant, our mother is in another country at the moment. But we don't want to, we need to get through this and fight it. But it is so hard. My head is a mess, I cant think straight, I feel light headed, I have nausea, and I am fighting so hard to keep vertical. My heart is racing and my hands are shaking. I am getting hot flushes, and then feeling insecure and cold. Some inside want to die and others feel so evil and dirty. To top it all off we had to thank our 'Father' for this programme. So pissed off at the moment but trying to find a way through it without going crazy. It is impossible to submit to it so we are just going to have to fight. This is not an easy day. I have just realized what the programming is about. We are not to be selfish today but to give to her. To help her. To satisfy her. We were to sexually satisfy her. No wonder we feel dirty and evil. I feel so gross.

Lost Baby

At fifteen I was raped. I got pregnant. I was not allowed to keep the baby. They forced me to have an abortion. Today, the day before mothers day, I miss her, that little baby I lost and never got to know or hold.