Mothers Day programming.

I hate programming. Today is mothers day and it is not easy. We broke contact with our mother a few weeks ago, so were expecting a bit of a rough mothers day but nothing like this. I didn't realize how many programs were in place for this day. Some from inside have shown me a few and what we 'need' to do today. Even if we wanted to do it we cant, our mother is in another country at the moment. But we don't want to, we need to get through this and fight it. But it is so hard. My head is a mess, I cant think straight, I feel light headed, I have nausea, and I am fighting so hard to keep vertical. My heart is racing and my hands are shaking. I am getting hot flushes, and then feeling insecure and cold. Some inside want to die and others feel so evil and dirty. To top it all off we had to thank our 'Father' for this programme. So pissed off at the moment but trying to find a way through it without going crazy. It is impossible to submit to it so we are just going to have to fight. This is not an easy day. I have just realized what the programming is about. We are not to be selfish today but to give to her. To help her. To satisfy her. We were to sexually satisfy her. No wonder we feel dirty and evil. I feel so gross.