What we are learning though is the severity of our fathers intent. His ability to control the mind of a child is one thing but to control the mind of other strong willed adults is amazing. We do not want to give him the power, should he ever read this, but he did know what he was doing and how he was going to do it.
I was discussing yesterday with my Therapist the idea that my mother was sexually abused too. (she denies it) Maybe she was, and my father merely saw in here a brokenness that he could exploit, a weak spot he could get in through. I don't know and probably never will for sure.
The flashbacks continue. Being drugged, injected with who knows what. Being raped and programmed. Being threatened with death. There are so many times, too many details to go into here. I think of it as a time of hellish torture that for the longest time didn't stop. Then last night some one gave me a flash of a memory, about us getting out of it, but having made a promise to some one that we would come back for them and we never did. I have no idea who it was or how we were expecting to save them. But we left them there and saved ourselves. Maybe it was our only option, maybe we were just to chicken to get to close again to get them out. I don't know, I hope they made it out with out us. I hope one day we find out. There is so much about this that cripples us and leaves us feeling so responsible, but we know that we have to accept that we were forced and tortured into all this, it was not our choice.
We have dark ones inside, ones who helped us to survive the worst of it all. The things they think sometimes scare me. I am glad we have set up such a strong defense against them coming out.
This song is really getting into us at the moment. So many of the lyrics seem to feel like home.
Feeling broken.
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