Mr White had said so!

I remember standing in the school yard,  I was only 5 years old.  The other children were playing.  But I couldn't.  I could barely move.  I was in shock. I felt so strange,  I didn't know what to do.  I hurt, a lot.  My vagina felt swollen and so sore.  That whole area felt swollen and sore.  It felt hard to walk.  I just stood still,  really not knowing what to do.  There were no tears,  I couldn't cry. What had happened to me, and why. All the other children seemed oblivious, playing and laughing.  I felt I was going to die. I remember I'd come from another part of the school, where the older kids were allowed.. 

What do I do, where do I go. The swelling and pain made me stand with my legs apart.  The world seemed a different place,  it was like time stood still. I must have made it back to class,  Mrs Edward's class I think.  It was a separate building from the others.  I dont remember the rest of the day.  I just remember feeling the shock and a lump in my throat like I wanted to cry but couldn't.  I couldn't let anyone know.  Mr White had said so. 

It Changed Us Forever

I remember at 4 years old our neighbor down the street started to force me to perform oral sex on him.  I remember how small I felt and how huge and tall he was(only an average size man in reality but to a 4 year old he seemed a giant). His penis seemed enormous,  it filled my whole mouth.  I could barely breathe,  it felt like I was choking.  It was pushed in there so hard.  My jaw felt stretched to its limit.  I felt terrified.  I thought he was going to choke me to death with this thing.  I wanted to cry. I could feel tears start to fill my eyes. But all I could focus on was this huge round mass inside my mouth.  Pressing on my tongue, the roof and sides of my mouth.  Stretching my jaw.  It was horrible, absolutely horrible . Chocking for air,  desperate for a free breath, desperately wanting it out of me.  It seemed to last forever.  I don't remember the end,  just the horror of it happening.  

From 4 years old I started to gain weight.  I became quite a chubby child.  My parents worked hard to try to get me to lose the weigh, but it was too late.  The damage was done. Our mouth had been defiled.  We had to eat to try to get rid of the toxic memory.  The feeling.  Food tasted nice.  But it could never stay in our mouth long.  Quickly eaten then swallowed.  To this day it is still the same,  we can't stand things in our mouth to long.  We eat fast.  Don't savour the flavour,  often we don't taste it at all. Can't stand chewing gum or hard lollies,  they must leave our mouth quickly.  Even holding things in our mouth, like a piece of paper or fabric makes us gag.

And now when things get too overwhelming, we binge eat too make the pain go away.  

Im not saying it all started from this one incident, but I am saying it changed us forever.