I remember at 4 years old our neighbor down the street started to force me to perform oral sex on him. I remember how small I felt and how huge and tall he was(only an average size man in reality but to a 4 year old he seemed a giant). His penis seemed enormous, it filled my whole mouth. I could barely breathe, it felt like I was choking. It was pushed in there so hard. My jaw felt stretched to its limit. I felt terrified. I thought he was going to choke me to death with this thing. I wanted to cry. I could feel tears start to fill my eyes. But all I could focus on was this huge round mass inside my mouth. Pressing on my tongue, the roof and sides of my mouth. Stretching my jaw. It was horrible, absolutely horrible . Chocking for air, desperate for a free breath, desperately wanting it out of me. It seemed to last forever. I don't remember the end, just the horror of it happening.
From 4 years old I started to gain weight. I became quite a chubby child. My parents worked hard to try to get me to lose the weigh, but it was too late. The damage was done. Our mouth had been defiled. We had to eat to try to get rid of the toxic memory. The feeling. Food tasted nice. But it could never stay in our mouth long. Quickly eaten then swallowed. To this day it is still the same, we can't stand things in our mouth to long. We eat fast. Don't savour the flavour, often we don't taste it at all. Can't stand chewing gum or hard lollies, they must leave our mouth quickly. Even holding things in our mouth, like a piece of paper or fabric makes us gag.
And now when things get too overwhelming, we binge eat too make the pain go away.
Im not saying it all started from this one incident, but I am saying it changed us forever.
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