How many?

We slept on the floor once again last night. Its that time of the year, we don't feel safe. The last week has been so hard. The pull to go back into the past has been so strong. The need to hurt. The flashbacks, almost constant throughout the day. Day and night. Evenings spent with dreams/nightmares of the past. I have learnt so much about us and what we have lived through, which has been good. But when every day is a struggle, all day every day, it gets too much. When we want to cut ourselves open and bleed. We want to be slapped, raped , beaten just to feel normal again. We want to go back to where we know the rules, we know what to expect, things are simpler there. Harder, abusive, but some how simpler that this stupid world we have no training for. What does it mean that normal for us is the way of abuse and torment? We have no training at all one how to just live life. How to fill a quiet Saturday without guilt, anguish, pain and torment. I hate this life.
As I lay there in the floor last night, trying to calm down the near hysterical little, who was so worried we weren't safe and she would get us, I wondered who else is doing the same. Who else is lying in the cupboard, under the bed, in the car, or on the floor, just to feel safe from those who may come? Who else finds this time of year that they cant rest. I feel like I am going to explode. When does it end.