Knives

The other night we were having a great time with Diamonds, (our girlfriend, also an abuse survivor) when one of our insiders shared a memory they had from when we were younger. It involves a young man named Richard. He was in his early teens when we knew him and our body was between the ages of 7 to 12. Richard had hurt us before and it seemed a common thing for him to do. This time we remember him chasing after us with knives in his hands. Kitchen knives I think. He chased us up the hall of his house while we were screaming. When he caught up to us he pinned us down, and inserted the knives internally. Alfterwards his mother helped to stop the bleeding and told us never to tell. It answers one question at least. She knew it was going on. At other times he put us in the space in the ceiling until our mum would come and pick us up.

Its horriffic, it breaks us to think of this happening to us and no one coming to our help. We have an insider call Richard. He takes after this Richard in many ways. He is a darker insider. No wonder we often have a desire to cut our genital region. Days like today, when I am feeling grief with my friend, I just wish it would all go away. But I know it wont, it will only get worse.

Self Harm

A friend of mine just put this up on their facebook. I really like it. It expresses well some of the feelings when it comes to self harm. The need to feel bad, to hurt, to make ourselves feel like 'they' used to make us feel. We deserve it and even if we partly feel that we dont, deep down we do and we need it to feel right. We havent felt the need to self harm for a few days now, its been really nice. We havent felt very multiple either, too busy doing outside world stuff. But today things changed. A friend is going through a really hard patch today and we had a bit of a situation. Anyway it has left her in a bad way and made us feel very vulnerable.  Sometimes it seems the only way to make it go away is to cut it out. We hate ourselves for being weak and injured and that what is inside us has so much power. Some days I just want to beat myself senseless, to make these feelings of worthlessness go away.

Its Ok now, we want to die!!

The desire to cut is so strong. The need for pain, the need to see blood, the need for others to know that it hurts, that we are dying inside, . The desperate need for someone, anyone, to see beyond the carefully mastered and manufactured smile. Someone to sit down and say, " I can see you are hurting. Please, tell me your story."
 We want to find some stranger to have sex with, and if it all turns bad, then good, because we deserve that. We deserve for him to beat the crap out of us. It will feel better that way. We want him to slap us across the face, to humiliate us, to take away our dignity. Some how that seems right. I want to scream and rip at my skin. I want to cut myself to pieces, slash my genitals so they too hurt as we need them to. The shame and the pain seem the only way out. Without it we feel lost.

 

When we were young, one of our abusers, threatened to shoot us if we told. This is the view we had as he said it.
Back then we were too scared to tell.
Its OK now,
We want to die.