Its Ok now, we want to die!!

The desire to cut is so strong. The need for pain, the need to see blood, the need for others to know that it hurts, that we are dying inside, . The desperate need for someone, anyone, to see beyond the carefully mastered and manufactured smile. Someone to sit down and say, " I can see you are hurting. Please, tell me your story."
 We want to find some stranger to have sex with, and if it all turns bad, then good, because we deserve that. We deserve for him to beat the crap out of us. It will feel better that way. We want him to slap us across the face, to humiliate us, to take away our dignity. Some how that seems right. I want to scream and rip at my skin. I want to cut myself to pieces, slash my genitals so they too hurt as we need them to. The shame and the pain seem the only way out. Without it we feel lost.

 

When we were young, one of our abusers, threatened to shoot us if we told. This is the view we had as he said it.
Back then we were too scared to tell.
Its OK now,
We want to die.