Isn't It Sexy!

He holds me still so I can't move, his face close to mine. With his other hand he holds his gun. He holds the cold metal to my face running it down my cheek. 'Can you feel it, isn't it sexy'. He says as he slowly carresses me with his gun. He runs it down my chest, slowly down my belly, zig zagging along the way. Down towards my privates. I feel the cold metal pushed between my legs, and then inside me, pushing it all around and in and out. All the while he was sounding so turned on, like he wanted it so bad. 'You wanna cum don't you? You want me to fuck you with my gun! you want it so bad! '. I don't remember how old I was but I know that I was young. I can't feel the fear and terror but I know that it was there. I didn't even know if it was loaded, this could have been how I was going to die. But it wasn't.

I Just Want To Scream.

I want to scream out. I want to say that this life isn't fair., and I want to die so that all of this will end. But it won't, that's the thing. It keeps happening. I just want to scream!

Feel The Pain

Feel the pain. Feel it sear into your soul. Feel it, deeper and deeper. Higher and higher. Know you can't escape it. Find your peace within it. Know you are alive. Take it. Take it more. There is no escaping, it has you now. Take it in and know that it is yours. Feel it. Do not cry. Hold it. You are here, right now in this moment Feel it, feel it, feel the pain. You can't escape. Feel!

Clean, You Have To Be Clean.

You are a dirty girl, you have been bad and you have to be clean. In the shower with the bleach. Scrub you down. Open your legs. She splashes it in there and scrubs it around. It has to be scrubbed. Scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed. You are dirty, we need you to be clean.

It never ends!

The greatest tragedy of this life is that it never ends. They have control, they have the means to 'own' you for years and years after you seem free. You fight to get away, it takes all you have in you. You fight yourself, you fight the others inside. You doubt your right to be free. You doubt that you deserve a life better than you have now, but still you fight. Parts of you feel the freedom, the wind in your hair, the sun on your face, but for others in the system it takes merely a word, a phrase, a look, a touch, and you have no control of your life again. They have total power and you are at their mercy. You are their robot again, you must do their bidding. You hate every minute of it but you are programmed to obey. You cannot stand up for yourself, you have no rights, they have total control and you must submit. If they want sex, you are theirs. No fight, no resistance, just theirs. For years after you should be free they still have you. They hold you in their power and strangely you know nothing because it is only a part of you that knows the truth. Only a part that remembers what is happening. That is how they want it, so they can continue with their control of your life. They want you to keep the secrets, they want you to not be able to fight back. You are theirs and there is nothing you can do to escape. Their actions are lost in the fog of dissociation and programming. You are programmed to never tell and if you do the punishment will be severe. This is your life, this is what you were made for ....right? They created you for this. You have no rights, you are merely their puppet there to serve their needs and desires. They want you to  believe this, they want you to believe you have no importance as an individual except to serve them. But they lied, and because they are so good at it all you cant be free. You fight for it but it doesn't happen. They have a hidden hook inside you that never lets you get away. They will Rape you and molest you until they have had their fill and you will submit because that is what they made you to do. There is no freedom, no escape, only endless torture and abuse, and at the end of it all you must thank them for what they are doing to you. You must be appreciative of what they have given you. A broken life, a soul torn into a thousand pieces. I just don't believe there is a way out, they own you, they own the very part of what makes you you, and at any time they will call you back. If by some chance distance brings you peace, the scares and pain stay with you a lifetime. You are never free. I want you to be free, I want to be free, but I feel their pull every day. Those quiet unspoken programs that determine so much of what we do. They set them up to have control.....they got it, and we merely puppets in their hands. I hate this life, it feels empty. I search for meaning and purpose and only find, control and abuse. I cannot say there has been anyone as a child who I felt safe with. No one who I felt I could turn to. Nothing much has changed. I have but a few good friends on who I depend, but they too fight for every day. I live so that my children may live, but I find myself giving up on even that. They are older now and do not need me. Most days they do not even want me. Then why am I here? Each day is filled with nightmares of lives I have already lived. No one seems to know the real way to help. I teach my Therapist how to deal with us, he has never done this before, so few have. Is there really a way out, or is my life merely the end result of their experiments and control. Am I still merely their robot, waiting dormant to be called into action. Will one move change who I am forever. I live with the constant knowledge that those inside me are not as I am. They can do so much evil and harm, yet they live restrained, we must be good, but will it only take one slip and it will turn inside out? I don't trust us, I don't trust who we are and what we can do, I don't trust that we will always be the people I want us to be. I feel helpless and hopeless, yet I keep going.....why? Is that too a program? I long to feel even if it is wrong. This being numb is akin to death. Don't feel too much or love too much, or want too much, it will be taken from you. Just live a life in the middle, safe and calm and not standing out. Dont let them see you and you might be free. But it doesn't work, because they are in you, from miles away they are in you, and you will never be free.

One Week

I would like to get through just one week without wanting to end it all. Just one week without someone inside saying," this is all too hard, I need it to stop, I need this life to end, I can't take this any more." One week isn't too much to ask is it? I'm tired of holding all this shit together for everyone. I want to rest and get away from this inanity that is my life. I want to believe there is a way out, I just don't see it.

Fucked In The Head.

How fucked in the head do you have to be, to want a friends abusive parent, to abuse you to, so that you can feel loved. I guess that's us. Pretty fucked.

The Other Side Of Death

Why is it so f*cking hard to fight to stay alive, when everything inside says we have fought hard enough for too long, it's time to give up. When does it end. We have honestly been at the stage lately where if we knew what was definately on the other side of death, we would end it. Things are not going well inside at the moment.

Trying to get out!

Still struggling with these flashbacks and possible programming. Cant seem to get out of my head and into the world around me. Terribly dissociated. So many inside seem to want to tell their story all at once and I am having a hard time getting through to them that we need to slow every thing down. It is like I am much closer to them now and can hear them better but cant seem to distance myself from them any more. It takes so much energy just to get through the day.  I am worried.

TW graphic

She is so small, he holds down her body, her legs he forces apart. She is naked and looking down at this man between her legs. He is licking her down there. She says to herself, "its dirty don't lick down there", but he keeps going. It makes her sick, she wants to vomit. She feels so sick and scared.Why does he touch her that way? What has she done? He keeps licking, it feels gross. So private. Don't touch me. So dirty. Why am I naked? I can see the bare skin of my belly. I want to get away, I want him to stop. Why wont he stop. His head is so close to me, it is almost on my stomach, get it away.I can feel his lips on me. He keeps licking me, it is going in deep. I want it to stop. He says I taste nice. I hate it.

Not my mothers keeper!

She was made a mockery of. They wanted to shame her, to break not only her body, but her spirit and her will. She was blindfolded, raped, beaten, tied naked to a 'tree'. They laughed as they repeatedly forced large wooden poles into her anus and vagina. They wanted to break her. They wanted her to learn the greatest lesson of all.....she had no control. She was at their mercy, but they had none. They shamed her. They laughed at her pain. She was not allowed to move or call out, she had to take it, still and silent. And all because she didn't please her mother. All because she didn't 'satisfy' her mother on the one day set aside for mothers. She was selfish they said. It was not about her, it was about the mother's needs, not her own. "You were not taught to be this way, we have made you know better, you selfish little pig." "Now you will pay" "You deserve to die"

She was only 15.

My Immortal

This song again and again sings so many of the words we just need to say. The battle. You are here but gone, we are alone but you haunt us. Its never over. It seems the song of our life. There's just too much that time cannot erase.

Evanescence – My Immortal Lyrics

 

Translation in progress. Please wait...

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
You still have all of me, me, me

 

 

Send "My Immortal" Ringtone to your Cell

Songwriters: LEE, AMY / MOODY, BEN / HODGES, DAVID

My Immortal lyrics © Chrysalis One Music


Lyrics term of use

Six Days Visiting Hell

After 6 days of flashbacks and horror. Anxiety, depression, fear and helplessness I return to the surface. Somehow I need the scars to show I was there. It needs to hurt so deep.

Mothers Day programming.

I hate programming. Today is mothers day and it is not easy. We broke contact with our mother a few weeks ago, so were expecting a bit of a rough mothers day but nothing like this. I didn't realize how many programs were in place for this day. Some from inside have shown me a few and what we 'need' to do today. Even if we wanted to do it we cant, our mother is in another country at the moment. But we don't want to, we need to get through this and fight it. But it is so hard. My head is a mess, I cant think straight, I feel light headed, I have nausea, and I am fighting so hard to keep vertical. My heart is racing and my hands are shaking. I am getting hot flushes, and then feeling insecure and cold. Some inside want to die and others feel so evil and dirty. To top it all off we had to thank our 'Father' for this programme. So pissed off at the moment but trying to find a way through it without going crazy. It is impossible to submit to it so we are just going to have to fight. This is not an easy day. I have just realized what the programming is about. We are not to be selfish today but to give to her. To help her. To satisfy her. We were to sexually satisfy her. No wonder we feel dirty and evil. I feel so gross.

Lost Baby

At fifteen I was raped. I got pregnant. I was not allowed to keep the baby. They forced me to have an abortion. Today, the day before mothers day, I miss her, that little baby I lost and never got to know or hold.

Cuts Like A Knife

Will you cut me with a knife? Will you take away my pain? Will you fill me with such anger, that I will never be the same? I feel so much latent anger inside. So much directed at my parents. I hate them you know, for everything they did, for who they are, and how they live. I want to cut my arm open. A deep long gash across the inside of my forearm. I want to see the skin open up and see the tissue underneath. I want the blood to flow freely down my arm towards my wrist. It's warm Crimson flow trickling down dropping on the floor. I want people to see it, and be horrified and the sight. I want them to see what I feel inside. Just see me bleed, see my pain. See how hard it is. See how hard this life is to live. But you don't care, it all would be in vein. As it slowly trickles to the floor, you walk away seeing it no more, as if it never happened.

I hate it!

 My Father fucked me, I hated it.

 My mother had sex with me. I hated it.

 There was no one in my life to protect me. I hate it.

I live my life alone in a world I don't understand. I hate it.

If we ever seem a little crazy......maybe this is why!

Lets summarize so far shall we!!
We were physically abused as a baby in our bassinet. (So under 6 months of age)We clearly remember being hit so hard we went unconscious.
By age 3 we were tied to a bed and being shared around a pedophile ring by our father. He too was also abusing and raping us. He was using hypnosis and mind control techniques to get us to obediently do as we were told.
At 4 years old we moved to a new neighborhood. Not a safe one by childhood standards. Our neighbor down the street, John, regularly abusing us, forcing us to perform oral sex on him.
Other neighbors in the street were also involved in some really evil events. Our next door neighbor, Mrs Ogden, used to have children over in her back yard, and with her watching, used to get them to pleasure each other. Boys and girls of all ages.
Our principle at our primary school used to abuse us and have sex with us. His name was Barry White.
We remember our father often coming into our room at night to not only sexually abuse us but to also choke us and tell us how much he hated us. He would burn us with the shower, slap us across the face.
The people that he got to help him in this task used so many evil things on us to comply. Soldering iron inserted in us. Drugs, orgies, gang rapes, and beatings.  Just to name a few
At age 7 our mother headed back to work, so we headed to family day care. Not a good thing. The mother Pat was sexually abusing her son. If he pleased her, he could have his own toy to play with ....us. Not only did he sexually and physically abuse us, he also tortured us. Inserting knives inside us. Repeatedly putting our head under water threatening to drown us. Pat also wanted her turn, but she liked boys, so she made us become a boy so that we would be what she wanted. We often holidayed with them at Myponga beach. We were kept in a cage in a shed. We were raped and beaten. Another girl was kept in there with us. She was 12 and by now we were 9. They shot her dead right there in front of us in that cage. Her blood ran across the cement floor towards us. A man came and pulled us through the blood to the door of the cage, forcing us to open our legs. We were covered in blood, our friends blood. He forced us to spread our legs as he inserted into us, parts of our friend that lay on the ground, saying "I have to get it right up in there" They looked after us during holidays and before and after school for about 5 years.
 During some of the school holidays we would spend it with our grandparents. This was not a good thing either. Our grandfather, Jack, used to rape us and abuse us, sometimes quite violently, in his work shed and in the house. No one seemed to notice. Our cousin Mark, though only a few years older than us, was also one for abusing us. Though I don't as yet know all the details I suspect he was merely acting out some of what was being done to him.
Well before the age of 8, we were in child prostitution. $100 per night was how much it cost to have us to yourself to pretty much do what ever you wanted. God only knows how many people we slept with then.
We were brain washed and had mind control used on us to get us to do unspeakable things to others, both children and adults.
Our mother used to have sex with us and make us pleasure her. She also used to take us to a man, who's code name was Yogi Bear. He used to rape and abuse us, and film it. He once pointed a gun at our face and said, "you tell and I'll shoot"
At 15 we were raped by our neighbor John, again. This time we conceived a baby. We were not allowed to keep it and were forced to have an abortion.
 In my early forties, we stayed with our father at his house while on business. Using the old programming and mind controls he had carefully nurtured over the distance, through the years. He was able to sexually assault us while we were there, and we didn't remember it for years.
These are only some of the things we have remembered over these last few years. There is so much more to come.
We now have cut contact with all our family. We have our sons and our friends. They are few in number but they are ones we can trust. It is a lonely life, and we can depend only on ourselves. But then again it is the only life we have known.

It has not been an easy life, and some days, like today, it all just gets too much. We are tired of the fighting to survive. Knowing that the guilty live their lives free, while we live in a prison that we can never ever leave. As we delve deeper and deeper into our past more will come up. Please help not only us but the others who are still in the hands of these evil people.

If you walk with me through Hell, the rest of life is easy!

Just tears

Easter is over and we have had a long hard one. On the good side there was not one call back or attempted contact. In other words, they have given up on us. We are too far out of it now for them to worry about. This is of course a good thing. They don't see us as a threat that they have to follow up on and make sure we are still doing as we are told. It means we are finally going to be free. It does however hit the ever so tender spot that ...they don't want us any more and once again we are alone. Some of us feel deserted. At least if they still wanted to hassle us, we were in some form wanted, needed, important. Now they have given up on us. We are no longer of any significance to them.  Once again we are alone. Yes it is ultimately good, but it is also sad. Now we need to find a new way to live this life free from fear of the call back and contact. I want to smile but somehow for now it is just tears.

The Final Betrayal

It is hard to know where to start. I have added this picture because it has helped so much to accept that the actions of others are not my responsibility, and neither is worrying about what they may think of what I say here. This is my space and I WILL tell the truth whether they like it or not.
 We had to break contact with our final family member this week. Our Mother! Until now we had thought her involvement in our abuse had been minimal. Definitely not the best parent, but not involved. I was wrong. These last few weeks of intense flashbacks, as hard as it has been, has shown me so much about what went on back then. It has also answered so many questions that just didn't make sense prior to this. Why did she never pick up any of what was going on? Why was she so distant and cold? Why did she seem to have endless compassion for others but literally none for us? Why when she was near, was there constantly screaming coming from inside? Why did the thought of hugging her make our skin crawl? Why did using any of her stuff, make people inside scream? Why was there never peace when thinking of her?
Now I know why. She was not by any means innocent. I am not yet ready to share what she did. It all still seems a bit raw. But it is now decided, she never loved us, neither did our father, we were merely there as a annoyance that must be dealt with. There seems to be no one safe from there, so one we had to depend on. And now once again we have ourselves, our sons and our friends. That is all. It is a lonely life but we have no choice. It is survival, and nothing else.

How many?

We slept on the floor once again last night. Its that time of the year, we don't feel safe. The last week has been so hard. The pull to go back into the past has been so strong. The need to hurt. The flashbacks, almost constant throughout the day. Day and night. Evenings spent with dreams/nightmares of the past. I have learnt so much about us and what we have lived through, which has been good. But when every day is a struggle, all day every day, it gets too much. When we want to cut ourselves open and bleed. We want to be slapped, raped , beaten just to feel normal again. We want to go back to where we know the rules, we know what to expect, things are simpler there. Harder, abusive, but some how simpler that this stupid world we have no training for. What does it mean that normal for us is the way of abuse and torment? We have no training at all one how to just live life. How to fill a quiet Saturday without guilt, anguish, pain and torment. I hate this life.
As I lay there in the floor last night, trying to calm down the near hysterical little, who was so worried we weren't safe and she would get us, I wondered who else is doing the same. Who else is lying in the cupboard, under the bed, in the car, or on the floor, just to feel safe from those who may come? Who else finds this time of year that they cant rest. I feel like I am going to explode. When does it end.

Bleeding Out

Can u feel it? The blood pumping through your veins. Can you hear the thud thud of the heart. It's coming out, the life, the truth. It's bleeding Out. Slowly with every Crimson drop we see the light, the truth, the hope. Crimson drops of freedom from our captivity. The hate grows and people die, but justice is never obtained. The reality is we will never walk this world free, unchained and unfettered. It's seared within our soul. But we are bleeding out. Can u see it? Listen. .. You may hear the heart as it finally comes to rest. It is us and we are It. What more can we do. There is no hope for freedom only wasted dreams from a life long lost. Will you feel me breathing, can you hear my last breath. It is nothing to you, only the passing of the wind. But to us it is life. Breath out, then in. Breath out, and then no more. Bleed out and know, that it is never more. Cease.

More Of Melanie's Story

His name was Richard, he was in his early teens. Melanie was nine, maybe younger at the time. Richard's mother was abusing both him and us. The mother's name was Pat. She had told Richard that if he was good at pleasing her she would get him a "toy" of his own. We were that toy. They had taken us to their holiday Shack at Myponga Beach. It was night time. Richards parents were in their bed and Richard wanted to play with his new toy. He wanted to make Melanie cum. He inserted things inside her. Larger and larger things . They were hard and they hurt. He put things in her Anus too. Bigger and bigger things. He kept saying "I want you to cum Cunt!" "Do you want to cum Cunt?" With every question he asked, she had to reply with " yes sir" or "no sir". He kept asking her over and over again. "Do you want me to stick this sick up your arse?" "Do you want me to stick this knife up your arse? " . He used bigger and bigger things inside her. Forcing and pushing harder and harder. When she finally came, she started to cry, her chin began to quiver and tears began to flow. She cried. From the other room Pat yelled "teach your toy to be quiet!" With one blow across the face he knocked her out. Not for too long because when she came too, he was still over her. She went to cry again but it stopped. Lesson learned. He must have done some damage, because when she went to the toilet the was blood. Now today, she wants to reenact what happened to her. She wants to feel the pain again. She needs to see the blood again. There has to be blood. It's all she knows. The blood tells the truth and let's people know I was there.

You took the rest.

No matter how far I run, you will always be with me, haunting me, deceiving me. There is no place for me amongst the living, for I am only a shell of who I could have been. You took the rest.



This is intended of an expression of emotion, NOT a suicide note. We still breathe, even though it hurts.

You Knew

You knew what he was doing. You took no action. How complacent are you? You knew that he was using vaginal dilators on us but you didn't care. We know your secret now, you're not that innocent, are you. You pretend to play the game, the caring parent. But you are no better than the rest of them. You murdered us too. You have taken from us what can't be brought back. Our life is our own now, you have taken to many years. Its over, the time has come for us to leave. You were with us once but not any more. Goodbye

Want To Go Back

As we get closer to Easter the flashbacks are increasing. We are feeling unsettled and depressed. We can't seem to get ourselves out of it. Some want to go back into the abuse. We want to feel the pain, the beating, they want it to hurt, we want to be hurt. We want to be ripped apart. They have even made plans of how to do it. Who to talk to. Not our old Handler, someone harder someone who will show no mercy. Just take us away so we don't have to be here anymore. Just take us to where we belong. Make it hurt until the pain goes away. I want to feel, i'm tired of being numb. JUST MAKE IT HURT!

Too much Red

This is a continuation of Melanie's Story, it is graphic, please take care reading.

In the cage, at Myponga beach. It was Easter. Michelle, was shot right there in front of us. Some say it was to teach us a lesson, to show us they had control. Her blood ran across the cement floor, getting closer and closer to the corner where we huddled as close to the bars as we could. Wishing we could die just to get away from all this. Then a man come, he dragged us by the legs through all the blood, it was all over us, there was red everywhere. As we got closer, and he had control, he told us to spread our legs. He kept yelling, "spread your legs, spread your legs". He kept pushing our right leg open. The he said, "I have to get it in there, deep in there". He took part of Michelle that was lying on the floor, and forced it into our vagina. He forced it in deep.
There was Red everywhere, and she died. She was my friend.

In memory of Michelle Mitchell..

Complacency program.

I remember being often in charge of younger children. Most of the others my age had moved on, but we were left with the group of children younger than us, our sisters age..about 3/4 years younger than us. We were there to help with them and help take care of them while the men did their stuff. The younger children trusted us more than the men so it was easier to make us do it. We knew what was happening but we never did anything to stop it. Now we know why.

We were subject to different levels of mind control and programming. They used this to get us to do was they wanted. Once programmed, we were merely robots under their control. The Complacency Program is one used for children like us. It is designed for those who will be helping with the children. We know what will be happening to them and under normal circumstances there would be a level of wanting to do something to stop it. With the complacency program, when our thoughts of revenge or attack of perpetrators gets to a certain level, the program kicks in. Over us comes this sense that all is fine, we forget that which is going on front of our eyes, and we see it as mildly important. We don't see the need to take action, for no real reason other than we become complacent. If we try to resist this program, we feel ill, dizzy , confused and are finally thrust into sleep, so we can awaken with the belief that every thing is fine and we have nothing to worry about. It is a lie, and a cover up, but a brilliant one from their standpoint. From ours it is debilitating, disabling and heartbreaking. I have always wondered why we never seemed to fight too hard if an issue arose and  why we would cave in so easily instead of fight. Why, when faced with a known perpetrator, we, without thought or intent, switch to a compliant and friendly person. I always believed that in the end we would go crazy and lose it at them, and that is why we held such tight control over everyone in our system. But now I know its not. We are left feeling helpless and unable to protect those we love most. They have programmed us into helplessness, and we despise it.

This is not my life, but i have to live it.

I Hate Him!

Maurice Elliot, I hate him, I hate everything about him. and most of all I hate the people who cant see what he has done. Those who fall for his lies and deception. We will never be free because of them. When will we stand up against the those who pursue the abuse and destruction of out children. It is their lives we sacrifice, and our dignity, for those who refuse to protect a child, will themselves never be free. Have we lost our humanity, or did we never really have it to start with.
Scarlet children, lost in a sea of blood, never to be free, because of you and me!!

Tainted Blessings

I have very few good memories of my father. But one has been with me all these years. When we were tired and couldn't sleep, my father would come into my room, he had a special way of getting us to sleep and make us feel it was all ok. It never took too long and we would be fast asleep. For years, we have found this comforting and as usual sleep is never far away. When we are sick, as we are  now, we long for someone to come and sooth me and make me feel loved and comforted, like he used too. It is one of the few comforts we have taken from our childhood into adult life, but now it is gone too. You see my father, Maurie, didn't just want to come and visit us in the middle of the night for his own comfort, no that was too simple and no profit to him. He had bigger plans for us. He could profit from us and make money and friends from what we would be forced to do. But children can be difficult, they will resist and tell others about what is going on. There is really only one way to keep them under your control. Mind Control and programming. Getting a very young child, hypnotising and programming her mind so that you have total control over her actions. With the right codes you can get her to do whatever you have programmed her to do. And yes before you ask, that includes ANY deed they wanted us to do. Mind control at its most evil.
My father had been doing this with us from the time we were a very small baby. What we are learning now is some of the triggers and codes used to set things off. How my dad used to get us to sleep was one of them. Yes we went to sleep quickly and easily, but only because it was part of the programming so that he could have his way with us. Suddenly one of our great comforts is taken from us and we are forced again to see our life as it was and is, in another totally different light. Did he ever do anything for or to us merely out of love, or was everything just part of his evil scheme to abuse and profit from us? Little by little, we are learning that we only have the future and the life we can build for ourselves now. It will always carry the weight and trauma of the past, and we will never be free from his clutches. But bit by bit we will fight to find a life for us in a world that doesn't understand nor accept the truth of who we are. Merely a pawn in a truly evil and sadistic game.

Pink Ice cream.

Pink ice cream melting, running down on the outside floor. I wouldn't eat it, I know better than that, Its not safe. It makes you sick and then 'they' get you. I tried to tell them not to eat it, but they wouldn't listen. Sometimes there is chocolate ice cream, but mostly it is pink.
They get so excited when they see it, they never think about what is to come. But I do, I know what is to come. "They" take them inside now, but I'm not going, I haven't gone to sleep yet, so they will leave me for later when the others are resting. I tried to tell my sister not to eat it either, but she never listens. They took her inside too. They will be back for me when they are finished with the others. I will have to pay for not eating it, but I don't want to feel the way it makes me feel, I would rather put up with the pain. They hate me, I fight too hard. Not like the little ones who are two young and give in. I will never take it, I hate feeling that sick, I hate that ice cream and what it will do to me. They never let you go.
There is pink ice cream running down and melting on the outside floor. But I wont eat it, I know what it does. You cant make me. But I will pay.

College

Our first day/night at college. Not any easy day." I want to die I want to die" Those are the words being spoken non stop from inside. I want to cut my skin open and feel the release. I want to die. We are broken in a world of people who have no idea what we live through every day, let alone our past. I hate them, I hate them for having no secrets, no past to fight through. No death hiding in their soul. I hate that as we sit there, they are not all wanting to die as I am. I hate that they will never know us or the pain we have been through and fight through every day. I hate them. I just want to cut us open and feel the pain. I just want to show the depths of our hurt. To show them our pain. I want to stab our arm right through to the bone, feel the knife grinding on the bone. I just want to die, and not have these people near me. I hate them, i just want to cry and cut, my life should be over, we don't want this any more. It should be over. I hate it, I hate me and us. I want us to be gone so that we never have to face another person again and be fragile and broken. We are broken, broken into a million pieces, we deserve to die for what we have done. What they made us do. We have no life but what they made for us. Are we merely their puppets?  I hate that. I hate my life. It is too hard to live. I just don't want to any more, but we are told we have to. Even death is not in our control. I just want to cut.

The Railway man

We just came from seeing the movie The Railway Man. It is an incredibly powerful movie, the details of which I will not go into now. If you have the chance I recommend it highly. It is basically about the horrors of war, its affects and forgiveness. It is based on true life. Having come from an abuse back ground it was very powerful. It was definitely triggering but we managed to do our best to keep that at bay.
Forgiveness, such an interesting concept and spoken of so much.
To those of us living under the weight of child abuse and programming, it is something we wrestle with. I personally am not ready to forgive I don't know that i ever will be, maybe others inside are, I don't think so though.
The trouble is that it is not over for us, and never will be. We are in hiding now. We cannot let our father even speak to us and message us. He has set off programming codes already with what little contact we have had with him over the last 6 months. We cannot afford to hear his voice, or read something he has written.
He Physically, emotionally and sexually abused us from birth to the age of ten, and then again in adulthood when we thought we could trust him. If he were in any way repentant or regretful for what he had done there may be some hope, but he has no remorse. For the torture, the hitting, choking, programming, for the rapes, for selling us, sharing us, profiting from our innocence. For never once caring for us and protecting us. He happily handed us over to all of this. NO amount of forgiveness whether it is for our benefit or for his, will change the fact that we live as many now. And every day we search desperately for hope in a world that only offers us torment. Mankind can be an evil race. What we will do to the weak and unprotected of our kind, for no other reason than we can, is beyond belief. I fear for my children's future.