Religion And Programming

It's the perfect combination. A belief in God (in this context i am referring to the Christian God, only because that is what i am familiar with) and the need to do his will fits so well with programming a child. This carries on into adulthood especially if the child's parents reinforce these Christian beliefs. It is easy to hide a program within the guise of it being God's will. Once the belief and faith in God is set, and the belief in the need to do his will is set as a foundation, it is easy for the programmer to use terminology that makes the person feel they are being unfaithful to God if they don't follow through. Therefore again having more power for many years to come. It doesn't help that the bible contains so many verses that can again be used to reinforce what the programmer wants. As an adult, walking away from the programs and abuse of the past, it is very hard to separate what is truly God's will and what is a program. I think many people go through a time of religious searching or curiosity at some stage in their lives, whether they were raised in a religious context or not. How more difficult for someone within this programmed belief of God, to feel free to explore and find the truth of what works for them. Are my thoughts and beliefs in God my own, or merely those planted many years ago by a manipulative force for their own benefit. I know God and Christianity were used within my programming, and i have seen it in many others who have been programmed. I am not sure however, how to break free from the program and believe for myself.

Finding Michael

Getting pregnant within the group was common.  They had some of us girls they called breaders.  We were to get pregnant to provide babies/ children to be used by the group.  Most births were unregistered and most of these children didn't make it through their first year of life.  They were often used to manipulate and control the mothers. We had 4 pregnancies within the group.  The first 2 died before birth.  The 3rd I am not sure of, and the fourth got to live.  I remember seeing him aged about 3/4 years old.  He was staying with other people.  We weren't allowed to keep him.  They made us forget about him so that we would just get on with life and not look for him. A few months ago the memory of him came back. The question now burning in our mind is, 'is he still alive? ' could we find him? Be reunited? The chances are so slim, but we want to try.  They called him Michael.
We have an appointment this week with someone who may be able to help us.  But do we dare to hope.  The chances are so slim.  But we have to try. 

It's time to name names!!!!!

Just a quick reminder, if you didn't want your name mentioned here you should behaved better!!

Mr Richards liked to have sex with children. He bought time with me from my father, who was of course always more than happy to make money off of us. To this day I don't think Mr Richard's wife has any idea what he did with us and probably other children as well.

Back when I was a child, there was a pedophile, who liked to take photos of children as well. I remember going to his house  several times, taken there by my mother. He used to take photos on his bed. He also owned a gun. I remember sitting on the lounge with the gun pointed down towards my face and him standing over me saying "if you tell, you die". I absolutely had no reason to doubt him. He must have been part of a pedophile ring as he had a code name "Yogi Bear" but his real name was Michael Jones, they called him 'Jonsey'. He knew my mother well.

Now the one that breaks my heart. I know, and have known for some time that my father was scum and into some pretty off stuff. I learned recently that my mother was involved too, but what I didn't know was how long she stayed involved after my dad had left, and what she made us do. By the time my father disappeared interstate, we were 10/11 years old and well and truly trained and programmed. We worked regularly as a child prostitute and used for many other things as well. You would think we might have a chance after he left, but no our mother needed money and even though she was ashamed of it she still used us for this purpose. She was involved in a group that had a satanic connection to it and held some meetings in our home. She would have people over for 'parties', which means food to each and children for a treat. This group used hypnosis on her so she wouldn't remember it but deep down she knows. She used to send us to the dungeon to get raped and torchered.
Your actions will never be forgotten

I Hate Them

I have never known such hated as i do for these people. The ones who use and control others for their own gain. People who take small children and use and control them until they are broken. And then continue to use the control they have, throughout the child's lifetime as they grow into adults, for their own personal gain. I hate them. With all that is within me, i hate them. I want them to die. They're hearts are evil and cold. There is no hope for them.

Why Would You

Why would you. You used me up, passed me around to anyone who was interested.You broke my body, mind and my spirit. And then when i have clawed my way free you say i mean nothing to you any more. Like a diecarded childs toy. Not only broken and used but rejected too. No value. But i am human and you had no right. He laughs at your pathetic attempt and i laugh at you too.

Father's Day. ...i Don't Want It To Come.

Father's day is only a few days away, and things have been getting very messy inside. Within Ritual abuse circles it is very common to have what they call breeders. Girls who they get pregnant so the baby can be used, abused or killed within the group. These babies are unregistered and therefore do not exist in society. They are merely possessions, toys, tools. If they are kept alive they can be used to control the mothers behavior. If you don't obey we will hurt the baby. Many of these pregnancies never make it to full term. Sacrifices are very common. Especially at specific times of the year. I have known for some time that we were used in this manner. So far the pregnancies we have had, that i have been told about, have been caused by our abusers. Seems logical really. But this week i learnt that one of our pregnancies, was fathered by one of our peers. A man we have known most of our life and still know to this day. We had a son. No one has told me yet what happened to our boy, I can only imagine at this stage and it doesn't end well. While we no longer talk to this old friend, we know we could contact him at any time. Somehow i find this haunting. There is a connection between us now forever, and i don't know how to deal with it. With fathers day only days away, it is hard not to think of him as my baby's father and what that all means. We were only children forced to live a life we should never have known. How many babies we conceived for the group i don't as yet know, but the numbers are growing and the seriousness of the situation is hitting harder and deeper. Sometimes i am scared to know the truth. Sometimes it breaks me. At the moment i feel stilled, not knowing what to do or think from here. This is not an easy time.

It Hurts, Can You See?

I want the pain to be on the outside like it is on the inside. I want to be able to see that it is real. I want to see the blood and know what i have done. It's screaming on the inside, we are ripping ourselves apart, but on the outside no one would know, not even me.

Are We Safe?

Someone inside is setting of programs using codes while the body is asleep. I hear them in that twilight between awake and asleep. I can't remember the codes they say and i don't know what they mean, but i know it can't be good. We fall asleep easily but spend the night in fitful sleep arguing. In the morning no one wants to face the outside world. I wish i knew what was happening but they won't tell me. I feel like a pawn in someone else's game.

Run Away

Run away little girl, run as fast as you can. Run for your freedom, run for a life you will never have. Keep running until your legs just give out. Now hide little girl. Hide somewhere safe. Somewhere no one knows. Somewhere no one can get you. Just hide to protect yourself, away from harm. Hide in the darkness and hide in the light, but don't let them find you. Don't ever let them find you. It will take all you have to want to be free, but use it. Just remember young girl that we know you, ..... we made you. Yes keep running and hiding away, it will give you a hope for a future. But remember there is no where to go we can't find you, and no distance too far you can run. We own you. You will always be ours. Your freedom is merely an illusion, a dream we let you have. I own you young girl, you will always be mine to do with as i please. Do not believe otherwise. False hope is for the fool.

Last Night's Dream

We dreamt of living with our mother. She had heaps of people staying in her house. There was no room for us. She had even given a room to our ex husband and his partners one of whom was our sister. We tried to confront or mother to tell her she hadn't made room for us and that we obviously weren't that important to her. We wanted her to admit it but she wouldn't. This went on for a while with other family members trying to convince us we were wrong. In the end we slapped her ( not hard) across the face and left. We went to find someone else to stay with. While we were trying to figure or when to go, i saw a pile of broken chains on the ground. We had broken the chains that held us to her. All in all a good dream.

You're Beautiful.

Classical music, her favorite, playing in background. "You're beautiful" she would tell me. "So beautiful". Then she would pull me in. Into the world she wanted. I was her slave. Someone to keep her happy. But i never really did. I was never really good enough.

Grrrrr

Feeling like everything we do is because of programming. It has been years we have been out, yet it still affects even the tiniest things in our life. How we sleep, how we think, what we do in a day. F**king pissed off. I don't believe it will ever end.

I was never meant to hurt no one

Its been so long since we posted on here, partly because life has been so hectic and partly because we just haven't wanted to share fora while. Not sure if we hit a program that stopped us or we just weren't in the mood (the more I get to know about it the more I suspect programming). As time goes on and we learn more and more about what happened we begin to feel almost numb to the severity of it all. "Why write that up on the blog its just another thing that happened there is enough already!"
What we are learning though is the severity of our fathers intent. His ability to control the mind of a child is one thing but to control the mind of other strong willed adults is amazing. We do not want to give him the power, should he ever read this, but he did know what he was doing and how he was going to do it.
I was discussing yesterday with my Therapist the idea that my mother was sexually abused too. (she denies it) Maybe she was, and my father merely saw in here a brokenness that he could exploit, a weak spot he could get in through. I don't know and probably never will for sure.
The flashbacks continue. Being drugged, injected with who knows what. Being raped and programmed. Being threatened with death. There are so many times, too many details to go into here. I think of it as a time of hellish torture that for the longest time didn't stop. Then last night some one gave me a flash of a memory, about us getting out of it, but having made a promise to some one that we would come back for them and we never did. I have no idea who it was or how we were expecting to save them. But we left them there and saved ourselves. Maybe it was our only option, maybe we were just to chicken to get to close again to get them out. I don't know, I hope they made it out with out us. I hope one day we find out. There is so much about this that cripples us and leaves us feeling so responsible, but we know that we have to accept that we were forced and tortured into all this, it was not our choice.
We have dark ones inside, ones who helped us to survive the worst of it all. The things they think sometimes scare me. I am glad we have set up such a strong defense against them coming out.

This song is really getting into us at the moment. So many of the lyrics seem to feel like home.
Feeling broken.

My Immortal

My Immortal

I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears.
Your presence still lingers here, and it wont leave me alone.
These wounds wont seem to heal , this pain is just to real.
There is just to much that time cannot erase.
You still have,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, all of me!!!!

Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it's chased away all the sanity in me
These wounds wont seem to heal,
this pain is just to real.
There is just o much that time cannot erase.
You still have.....all of me!!

I tried to so hard to tell myself that your gone.
but though your still with me
I've been alone all along
you still have .................all of me!!!!

See me!

I want to take the biggest knife and slam it into my arm, I want to feel it slide past the bone and hit the table below. I want to watch to blood running from the wound and dripping onto the floor. I want to know that I am hurting and see the pain. I want to know that everything I have gone through has been worth is somehow. Somehow. I want to scream and yell. I want to cut people who have hurt me.

I want to rip my skin off in big chunks. I want to never eat again because I don't deserve it, and I want to eat so much that I hurt and explode because I deserve that too. I want to slice my arms up so that they are dripping with blood, just so you can see me. I feel invisible. Useful and helpful but invisible. No one sees me.

Let Me Out

I can feel the nausea rising. I can feel the pressure in my head. It's coming to the surface. The truth.
And it hurts. Let me out, I cant take this any more, I have to be free.

The Greatest Despair

The greatest despair we have is the knowledge that they made us hurt others. We were forced to hurt and abuse other children just like us. It was not something we ever wanted to do but we knew that we risked our life and theirs if we did not do it. They were children, often younger than us and we used or size and power to intimidate them just as it was done to us. Some of these children we knew, some we knew very well, to well. We hurt them when we should have protected them, and somewhere inside are those who are pleased with this and the job they carried out. They felt it gave them a sense of power and strength. But i and others with must live with the knowledge of what was done by us to others. It makes me sick to my stomach. But we must go on.

Let Me Die

Let me die, please let me die. This life is to much to bare. It's cruelty knows no end. I do not want to leave my children but i fear i have little left to give. I want to crawl into a hole and die so i don't have to see any more evil. It is more than i can take. Where is God in all of this? We have stood alone for so long but it wears me out and i am exhausted. Where is someone to help and hold my hand. This journey is so long. When does it end.

We are not!

The Scarlet Children cry for the pain of another. 

When will it end?

 Is there ever an end? 

Is Death the only true escape?

We wish we were alone, but we are not!

Crimson Tide

Worthless


















Hopeless








                                                Useless

Ugly 

Fat

Shh, we can never tell.