How can this life be real if it doesn't hurt?

We just want to reenact what happend to us again and again. We want to feel the pain of the slap across the face. We  want it to hit so hard it sends our jaw flying. Not just once but many times. We want them to call us names, like we are worthless and a whore. We want them to put us down and make us feel like dirt. We want it to hurt so bad. We want them to have violent brutal hard sex with us, until it leaves us lying curled up in pain, crying in the corner. We want it to hurt and to feel shame, and to know this is where we are meant to be. Just beat us and make us feel better. Just hit us and make us feel right. This is the only life we know and we need it so bad. It needs to hurt or we are just not really alive. We cant feel anything. How can this life be real if it doesnt hurt, if there isnt't blood and pain. We want to bleed from inside like it used to, because he was to big and hard. We want to make it hurt and shame ourselves so we can feel good and know that it is right. We want to know that when we wake in the morning it will hurt and we will have a reminder of just how bad and evil we really are. We want to go and hide and take all our pain and hurt. We want it to go away but we just dont know how.